He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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