i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
