before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
