Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
wat bout pragnant strippers??
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
