Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
