I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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