I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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