If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
