Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
God I need to hump something, right now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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