i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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