I have demons in me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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