i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
