last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
