I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
