We're facebook friends in real life
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize