K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
