don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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