Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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