do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
