just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
