I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
