Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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