thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
