mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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