Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
