Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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