u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
