This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
