dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
