Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
