I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
