im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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