; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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