Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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