Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
