I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
