Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
