woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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