her vagine was all disorganized.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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