he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize