I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
