They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
