ya dads aren't the best wingmen
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
