our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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