It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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