proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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