Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
