Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
