My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
