I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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