fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
