I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
